F o r t y • F i v e

F o r t y •  F i v e

I cried the day I turned 40. True story.

Looking back I don’t know why.  I was on a beach with my husband on a romantic getaway, 4 healthy kids back home being taken care of by parents who were still here with me.

And somehow, I had let my mind become consumed by what I thought society wanted me to be and what I thought that turning 40 would never allow.

I had never been that person. My entire life I would have said I was more of a leader than a follower, more of an “I don’t care what anyone else thinks, this is what I’m doing”, more of a confident young woman than a woman that needed assurance from the outside world that she was still good enough.

And yet there I was feeling that exact thing.  On a beach, with a man who loved me, I felt like I had hit a tipping point and it was all downhill from there.

Even as I type this it’s hard to read back and I’m questioning whether I’ll even post it.  Because no one wants to admit their weaknesses, admit they are vulnerable.  Was it nothing more than a fear of wrinkles that had me in such a state that day?  Could I really be that vain of a person that I could begrudge another year on earth if it meant trading in my youth?

I don’t know the reasons, I wasn’t even aware it had happened.  All I knew was that it was not how I wanted to feel, this was not the best version of ME.

Pre-40, Post-40 is how I think about my life now.  Mid life crisis?  Nah. Because the truth is that none of us know when we are celebrating the birthday that is actually going to be the one that marks our “mid-life”.  Crisis? No. A crisis is when you are losing a loved one, or a job, or your home, or going through a divorce, or an illness. A crisis is NOT being given another year to spend on this earth, THAT is what we call a gift.

After that birthday I did a lot of soul searching, priority placing, heart healing, emotional purging.  For lack of a better term… I basically spring cleaned my inner closet.  Got rid of what hadn’t severed a purpose in a couple of years, added items that brought me joy, that made me feel good and I would be easily able to access.

The pre-40 me hated confrontation and literally avoided it at all cost.  The pre-40 me weighed herself 3 times a day, obsessed over every calorie she put in her body and let a neon number on a scale dictate the type of day she would have.  The pre-40 me worried if my decision to stay home full time to raise my family instead of utilizing that University degree was something I would one day question.

But then it happened the POST.  And it came with a vengeance and never looked back.

The post-40 me who has to watch that her mouth doesn’t get her in trouble because she does not like to back down or be taken advantage of, ever.  The post-40 me who has not stood on a scale since I came back from that beach vacation.  The post-40 me who worries more about feeling healthy and strong than I do about about a neon number.

The post-40 me who sees a {pre-40} nine year old who watches my every move.  Who listens to every word I say and whos biggest compass to what she values about herself will be me and my words.  The post-40 me who is hell bent on showing my daughter that there is nothing more attractive than confidence.

Genuine Confidence…. and it doesn’t come from what I thought it did all those years prior, it does NOT come from the reflection in the mirror.  It comes from what you do for others, how well you love, how genuine your relationships are, how you feel about what you did during the day when your head hits the pillow.

Yes, “you look good you feel good” – it can be true – but it’s like walking on a frozen lake.  If your insides don’t match, if you aren’t walking on a solid foundation to keep you steady than you’ll crack.. eventually.

There is no amount of makeup, botox, filler, hair dye, procedures or numbers on a scale that will do this for you.  These are the things {for me} I now look at as a cherry on the top, like wrapping a package with a ribbon.  But if that sundae has no ice cream, if that package is an empty box than those finishing touches aren’t going to help you live a truly happy, genuine, confident life.

If you’re not happy, get happy.  Stop waiting for someone else to change this for you.  Take inventory of those you choose to interact with, socialize with, give your time to, attention to, heart to.  Prioritize them, feed & water them.. they don’t grow themselves.  Pull the weeds, they are literally sucking the life out of you and yes, preventing you from growing into the person you were meant to be.

I am not just turning 45 today, I am literally doing cartwheels into it.  I am hell bent on making it my best year yet.  On loving those around me the best I ever have.  To find new ways to help those around me.  Of accepting and requiring the love that I know I deserve from those I let hold a place in my life.

Happy Birthday to all of us today, it’s never to late to revamp, start over, change course, start fresh.  You only get one trip here, and you never know when it will be over – make it count, make it special, make it worth it.

XoXo